Lucky

yes I’m lucky, I always happen to meet good people in my life, especially those who become exceptionally close. I’m lucky.be it in the past or the present, I’m surrounded by goodness. and I’m grateful. Thank you so much Lord, for letting be around your goodness.

I know we have something special going on. The way you look at me with those eyes (albeit a little small but still full of emotion hah), the things you do for me, the things you do to try and make me happy, the way you treat my friends, the way you jack me but yet take such good care of me, the way we are when we’re together, the way everyone looks at us with such amusement, the way you have nudged your way through to find your place in my life- I know we have something special going on :)))

The future seems uncertain, job, uni, fake job to lie to my family. sigh. through it all i seek comfort in the familiarity of the people and the environment. dreading when some of them goes to exchange. i know abit selfish but ill miss them. I hope I dont get left behind in my education, career, love, friends because I’ve been left behind so many times.

Do you hear me,
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I’m trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music, feel the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

i hate to be poor.

I hate fretting over money because

1. for the obvious reasons there are alot of  limits, no going out no spending on food, shopping and other activities

2.i cant meet my friends and ive to stay at home. (super sian-ness)

3.my parents look down on me cos i havent found a job yet and they think im an lazy arse and they think im out of a job on purpose.

4.i hate it when im penniless due to the above 3 things, but most importantly no. 3

I HATE TO FRET OVER MONEY AND…I NEED A JOBBBBBBBBB!! anything pls…..

 

bangkok was awesomeness, route 66 chatuchak platinum khaosan was awesome-ness, new year at cafe iguana’s was awesomenes..got to know old friends better and got to know new people as well. i liked some, disliked some, part and parcel of life. mambo was awesome-ness, danced alittle little bit of  my fats away (i hoped) haha and today was awesome too.

 

life is awesome so is edward cullen and stephanie meyer cos she came up with twilight.

 

anyone who has lobang pls give me a job!!!

its going to be 09 everybody.

6 more days to bkk and 15 more days to baby’s arrival. ahh life is wonderful. and as such, we lose some, we win some. i lost love, friends and some. but i’ve also gained new friends, new love and the feeling might be even more wonderful and what i’ve gained might be so much more than what i’ve lost. life is just so, unpredictable you never know what’s going to happen. so never say never. and THANK YOU LORD, God is good, as always.

23rd was spent playing badminton and a little bit of basketball in the afternoon. it was a great workout! badminton was so so fun and bball was so so tiring my fitness just nosedived man. evening was at jie’s with the same girls, just spent time chilling eating pelican pizzas and our potluck stuff, playing 2 rounds of mahjong and being the sole loser. but its okay, at least i enjoyed myself and i lost money to the few pple that i love. finally gave eileen her 21st present and a letter to let her know how i feel but oh wells, i guess as i said, some things lost can never be found again and i guess i just wasnt a good enough friend to her.

xmas eve was dinner at darrell’s. was quite a nice affair there was SUPER alot of yummy food and received a small xmas gift frm carissa and jingjing haha so touched. it’s quite a nice feeling, to know that i still can visit and get along with darrell’s family even without his presence, it makes me feel that i can hold my own and i feel included, like family and i love that feeling. and baby called me at his place to chat and to wish me merry christmas! life is great 🙂 and im happy. headed down to kow’s after that and continued xmas countdown party with his friends. brought baos along though and we got a little high, played a little underwear guessing, heart attack, five ten, drank lots or cordon bleu jw black label midori with 7 up and got a little tipsy and it was so funnn! but baby was missing though and i know you are so so jealous 🙂 hehe. was happy to have rach with me the whole time. thanks baos i love you. trooped home at 6am in the morn after trying out kow’s massage chair which makes me giggly.

xmas was a quiet affair, spent at home recovering from the late nights and whole lot of feasting. felt a bit sick and feverish but had a small christmas dinner at home with the family we wanted to watch ip man at night but were glued to the little nyonya instead.

fri was rushing to make konnyaku ( which yos cleared thank you yos! ❤ ) and gift exchange present buying cos i had to buy rach’s and char’s share as well. loved the presents i picked out and i got the bag that i bought from iora at 15 bucks! cheap cheap. went to sherwin’s for a xmas cum mini bday celebration planned by dawn it was a super super super super super sweet affair i hope dawn and sherwin will be tog forever! hah oh well okay not forever but i dont know, alonglonglong time cos they are so good tog. food was fantastic, leftovers aplenty as usual drinks were great the jolly shandy beer mix was hella good. taboo and poker was good but the best was the company! :))

tmr there’s the xmas class gathering, still wondering if i should go cos i know ill feel super out of place but i dont know, i guess i should make some effort in showing up at some of the class gatherings haha im always the mia one. and yes i know, i cant stop gushing about edward cullen, i think if i continue this fervent adoration the pple ard me are gonna get damn dulan haha. i shall name my child Edward Carlisle next time cos they’re my favourite characters and if it’s a girl ill name her hmms Esme Alice! I dont like bella, cos i think she’s a bit weird and the way she loves both edward and jacob, its just so 12345678)(!**#&!^ irritating. and she’s a bit whiny. alice is way cooler and esme has such a unique and beautiful name.  0kay EC and EA it is haha. 

on a random note, im stuck on muse’s supermassive black hole cos its the song they played in the twilight movie when the cullens were playin baseball and the scene was just fucking cool. alright nights world.

Happy Holidays Everyone! :)

and i absofuckinglutely love museeee!!!!! i really love them. but not as much as i love edward cullen. edward cullen’s my muse ( well not literally haha), my personal brand of heroin and im hopelessly, devotedly & irrevocably in love with him…yes im a twilight saga convert, addict even if anyone would be so so kind to donate new moon and eclipse to me ill be eternally grateful 🙂 i’ve finished breaking dawn before the 2nd and 3rd book cos i couldnt get my hands on them and i couldn’t wait any longer to read the last book haha. I LOVE YOU EDWARDDD!!! (if only robert pattinson was really edward the vampire) his stare is so intense he beats wentworth miller hands down. i love edward and so does tonnes of other females. sigh…

havent blogged in a long while so we shall start frm uhhhh zoukout, which was long way back, had a smashing time with char and cach and darrell’s friends okay la i consider them my friends too haha maybe cos i was partly high and the highlight was dancing to mambo and taking scandalous and embarrassing pictures and playing games liek beer goggles and stuff. im definitely going zoukout next year! and rachel’s birthday was  a small and cosy affair at countryside cafe in dunlop street and my baos is 21! k aiya dont know what to say already, ill blog about christmas in the next post.

 

btw stephanie meyer loves muse too. haha. what a coincidence 🙂 and baby is coming home soon! im so so eggcited, baby if you’re reading this, im making yuo watch twilight with me again when yuo come back! this one no bargain pls haha thanks ❤

God has been kind to me…

The 2 weeks that baby was gone was filled with activities and fun, more on taht when i come back after i take a shower. BABY’S REACHING TURKEY IN 7 and a half HOURSSSS I CAN’T WAITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!<3<3<3

i really do miss him a whole lot, after not being able to talk to him for about 17 days i really miss him alottttttttt 😦

but he did send me a letter, weird albeit romantic in a whimsical way to make things better for me cos he knows i wouldn’t be able to talk to him for so long. although he did mention in his ‘romantic’ letter that im uhh, not THAT bad looking ( wonder what’s up with the emphasis on that. maybe he’s like trying to insinuate that im bad looking but not THAT bad till that extent whereby seeing my face makes one’s insides curl up in disgust ), im slightly chubby and i have a tummy. i think any normal girl will be fuming like mad. anws beeps, i really appreciate your brutal honesty but pls do practice some discretion in your future letters but considering this is your first attempt at writing a ‘love letter on your own terms’…you’re forgiven and pats on the back for the commendable effort haha ❤

 

anws did i mention that baby is coming back in less than a month! I SERIOUSLY CAN”T WAIT! more on the gd stuff when i come back.

count my blessings.

Sunny came home

Today, was and still is a very very emotional day for me. I found that you have been reading my blog, and I have so so so so much to say to you still. I hope you still come by here to check on me time to time, I don’t know, but I really hope you get to read this. I want to say alot of things to you, but I dont want to approach you for fear of ruining your newfound happiness. So here’s my ode to the great love/rock of mine that has been and was so dear to me for about 3 years.

Dear Nick,

I saw your comment on my blog today, dated somewhere in Feb this year, about 7 months after we broke up. You put your name as Bee (baby) and you wrote that you hope I was doing better (or something along those lines). When I saw that, I broke down uncontrollably because, today, I realized, you did not lie to me. All along, I felt that what you wrote in the letter that you gave me on Dawn’s 20th birthday celebration was a load of crap. Because you wrote, you were very proud of me, you still loved me and that you will somehow always be around somewhere. But since we broke up, I never felt your presence around, I never felt that you were anywhere near where it could count, I felt that you moved on and left me forever after we stopped talking. But today, on the 10th of November 2008, I realized that I was wrong. You have been there, checking on me secretly, to see if I’m okay, at least up till when you wrote that comment, which means that you did read what I wrote about you. I still stand by my words. I will always be in love with the Nicholas that was with me, but it will be a reminiscing kind of love, a buried kind of love, because my bee no longer exists. To the Bee that was mine, I know I will always always always always love you, even when I grow old, you will always still be a part of me. We could have been great I know, but I screwed up too badly with my immature behaviour be it with you, with your family, with your friends and there have been too many misfits. I hurt you the most, I was the one who let you down in every way that I knew of, so I have no right to have any form of regret or resentment about us. That said, I know our love was 100% real and you gave me your all so for that 3 years that you have been mine, a very very very big and sincere thank you and I just want to let you know that no one can replace that. All the above that I’ve said, I’m addressing to the Nicholas that was mine, who is now gone forever. And because he is gone forever, I hope that the tears that I have from this day onwards will be for Darrell and Darrell only. I have learnt how to love from you Nick, you taught me and showed me how to love another person in ways I have thought anyone to be incapable of doing-selfless and unconditional love. But now, that love will never be mine again. I just want to say thank you and to the present nick, I sincerely wish you and Stacy the best and I hope that 1 day we will be friends again.

 

And to my present and my future and the person who now my heart fully belongs to…

Dear Baby (Darrell),

I promise to give you all that I have. I know I have been unfair in many many ways, always comparing you. But baby, I also want you to know that, I love you for what you are, what you are not, and of course for who you are. I’m really really really sorry that I have been comparing and I know you’re different and there shouldn’t be any comparisons drawn you have my promise that I will stop this very moment. Baby, I also wanna thank you for loving me in your own way, helping me to grow and mature at the same time. And I just want to assure you that, my heart is yours 100% ( I know it might seem otherwise if you also read the above note not addressed to you haha ) and I love always love max beepbeep. Because now, I’m yours and you’re mine and just for that fact alone, I think I can be the happiest girl in the world really. :))))) And my love for you is no less than for the person above, in fact I think even more, just that I know now I tend to be a little over-cautious cos once bitten twice shy. But as we are together more and more I realize everyday that you are the one I want to build a future with and I don’t know what will happen in the future but I know I will work very hard and try my very best to work towards a forever with you ❤ And I shall stop here before someone pukes and I find myself too disgustingly mushy. And the rest that I want to say to you can be said in private alrights baby. I LOVE YOU LOVE ALWAYS MAX, and then, hopefully this time I won’t screw up and then BOOM! haha before we know it we’re old and wrinkly but still as happy and romantic as ever.

                                                                                                                                                 xoxo,

                                                                                                                                                  Your beepbeeps

 

Feel SO MUCH BETTERRRRRRR…..

im looking for love, and i thought it was you.

i love michelle featherstone. someone pls tell her she’s a genius and her songs are emo max but nice max! 🙂

esp the one with the title above. totally hooked.

i’ve been happy. i am happy actually, with what i have right now. not totally, but im contented.

thank god for beeps, and jibs, and nic. and the others ive gotten to know recently like baos b and chang cos they crack me up. but i love beeps jibs and snicks the most haha.

 

but, i need  a fucking driver. without beeps, damn shag to travel ard kns. i miss beeps a hell lot!!! and i love him a hell lot too haha.

jsut felt like ranting. peace out.

it’s been way too long.

just read someone’s blog, and i kinda admire her, i really do. and im hooked onto her blog. its been so so so so long, since ive read such intellectual, challengingly and even remotely interesting posts. shant post her link here cos we’re sorta acquainted wouldnt want her to think that i’m some stalker or some shit like that. but she just writes about all the things I believe in, and she’s just so full of, passion. i like.

holidays have been okay, a much needed rest from that crazyy crazzyy schedule of back to back exams. honestly they should review that schedule man, i was averaging a 3 hour daily sleep my face was breaking out i was grumpy emo and all that. so now im catching up on my sleep, waking up at about 1 the earliest haha sloth is seriously sinful. i waste the whole day away doing nothing much productive, doesnt help that it has been raining cats and dogs the past few days, just makes the weather a whole lot more suitable for sleeping in. so many things i want to do, yet so many not done. turning 21 was such a stressful affair, many thanks for those who came down to spend it with me, particularly nicole dick jinhan daohua and a few others. it was hmms, okay i guess although much of it was pretty fucked up haha shant elaborate much but, turning 21 is seriously too overrated man. whats the big deal with that. We dont become particularly prettier, smarter, wittier, kinder, sportier, better overnight its just like any other birthday what.

in this particular period of mia, kinda got to know few more people during this time, and I realise that I love hanging out with guys. I dont know why, perhaps its because most of the time what you see is what you get, no drama no fuss no hypocrisy backstabbing and whatever else that can sometimes occur with females.  and most importantly they treat you better, at least most guys do cos no matter what you’re the girl haha. but having said that, i love all my girlfriends. would die without them cos i absolutely adore their company.

have been thinking of getting a tatt for quite some time now but i havent really seen a nice picture or sketch yet. ideas annyone? ill get it on the lower back so i can cover it up and only flaunt it when I want to. I have lotsa things to say, yet I can’t string them into words just yet. Perhaps when I straightened my thoughts I will type them out or pen them down.

I want more out of life than just this. I want to travel, see the world, experience the so called elusive true love, i want to love and be loved in return, I want to give, and most of all, I want to live. I want to experience the richness, the fruitfulness, the meaning of our being but somehow I am constrained. Constrained by societal norms, constrained by the conservative thoughts of the family, I want to be different, I want to stand out, yet somehow the repercussions disallow me to do so. C’est la vie is just yet another dream.

i want to start afresh

baeys say i dont blog anymore, so this time im gonna blog. anyhows life hasn’t been that smooth-sailing of late, i dont know why but this sudden feeling of emptiness and anger just came over me. is it pms? i dont know. probably but it sucks. sch’s such a drag you have no idea, family is such a pain, love life’s such a mess, everything is just going wrong.

somehow i just thought of whaat shawn said, when circumstances change, girlfriend/boyfriend may leave but family and friends stay. which i totally totally have to agree with that. to me, my closest friends are my family, sort of a replacement for lack of family warmth i have, perhaps that is why i depend so much and ask so much of them, because they are the only ones i truly care about. and they have indeed stuck by me through thick and thin ups and downs lefts rights and all sorts of shit and im lucky in a way i guess..i may not have the perfect family, the perfect life, but at least ive got true friends.

and this blog. this blog shall no longer have any posts about Lord Voldermort aka he-who-shall-not-be-named cos from today onwards i would love to start afresh so whatever voldermort does, whether he lives,dies,happy,sad,attached,single,alone,not alone,whatever he is doing honestly i really sincerely pray that i wont give a shit anymore. nono actually i will make myself not give a shit. cos as far as i am concerned, this person no longer exists. all along ive been the one who’s been feeling guilty, remorseful, regretful and all and ive been trying and i kept trying over and over again just to hit a brick wall. honestly i am fucking fucking tired and feeling this way, tired of knowing my presence makes someone uncomfortable and awkward, tired that my friendship or even any contact with me makes the person upset and affected. and how am i suppossed to respond or act around that person when Im told that the other party feels this way? so the best way is that we never ever ever ever ever cross paths again and I pray to God that He never lets me meet Voldermort anywhere ever again, not on the streets, not during gatherings, not anywhere anytime. for the benefit of both parties, the best way is to sever all ties(which there isnt any now to begin with). yes i am feeling spiteful because im hurt but i know what i am doing and i feel that not acknowledging he-who-shall-not-be-named is the best chance i have to forget everything and move on. so whoever who knows what the fuck im saying, besides eileen and nicole, if you get my drift and if you read this, DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER for fuck’s sake tell me ANYTHING, like anything at all about you-know-who. If you meet voldermort on the streets,  remembeer i DO NOT care. if you hear from you-know-who and spoke to him, i DO NOT care. If yuo see him with somebody, i DO NOT care. if you went out with him, I DO NOT CARE PERIOD. all in all to me, voldermort never ever existed. like never ever. and i have never ever met voldermort.

this whole week, except for a few saving graces in the form of frineds, i have little to blog about because everything is just in shambles.

I believe…that God let me meet you that day…to let myself know that hey, im actually on the road to recovery…God wants me to realize and wake up to the fact that I’m no longer desperate, no longer in need, no longer trapped. the realization that love no longer means possession has made me realize I have grown. cirucmstances have forced me to and I am finally able to love unconditionally, from a distance, perhaps now I have learned to truly love, having experienced a traumatic loss.

despair and pain gradually morphed into a dull ache.

endless tears turned into silent ones drained into the heart.

endless sleepless nights turned into occasional hauntings and recollection.

my pain….has finally subsided and all that’s left is a scabbing scar… THANK YOU LORD..for helping me pull through. If so many people can do it, I believe I can as well. everything of his is chucked in one corner and one day perhaps one day, through God’s grace I will be strong enough to go through them without any pain. that’s all I ask. to be free.

and because I know I will never be able to say this to his face ever again. I love you baby, as I have said countless of times, always and always. forever and ever babe.

life’s been great, busy with schwork and friends..

HAPPY BELATED WENS!

and of course HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to one of my favourite girls in the world BAEY EELI! i love her very much :))))))  I was blessed with an angel on this very special day (yesterday) in 1987 and I really thank God for her.

to all my other fav girls esp leens and nickie good luck for the upcoming exams. alwaays keeping you guys in my prayers..also the nus ntu and smu pple like shun joyce mel jies ber etcetc. hang in there darlings.

looking forward to zoukout with another fav girl. i love my fav girls <3<3<3

“Sophia”

5 o’ clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky’s the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out,
Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning.
It’s a fire, it’s a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things,
I can’t go without and one of of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I’m his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every line, a measure,
It’s the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know…

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning,
It’s a fire, it’s a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things,
I can’t go without and one of of them is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning,
It’s a fire, it’s a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things,
I can’t go without and one of of them is him.

eggcited about next week’s activitiess…Lord, help me to concentrate on my sch work oh Lord, before it gets too massive and I drown in it.

and last but not least..I Love You Lord. Thank You for all the special people You have blessed me with. and for granting me peace and strength. I seek you Lord. In Jesus’s Most Precious Name I Pray, Amen.